The Demon Hiccup of Fleet Street

"Mista To-odd!" Mrs. Lovett called as she came up the rickety stairs, a cheerful bounce in her step. Todd rolled his eyes. Why was that woman so bloody happy this morning anyway? He silently hoped that she was at least knock before coming in this time.

"Oh Mista T!" she called again, practically throwing the door open. Nope; no knock. He bit back a growl, remaining in his position staring out the window at all the bloody little vermin roaming the street below. He did not turn to meet her eyes and kept his mouth firmly closed. Heaven only knows what she would say or do if she noticed his...problem...

Hic! 'Damn...'

He suddenly felt her petit hands on his shoulders; this time, a growl did escape his throat.

"Aw, Mista T! Wot are ya doin' broodin' up 'ere? It's beautiful out, it is! And it's Sunday, too. Don't need ta worry abou' any customers today!"

"Mmm..." he growled again, out of frustration. Hic! 'Damn..."

"You alrigh' Mista Todd?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow. Sweeney turned slowly and forced a mock smile.

"Fine..." he said quickly, adding as much sweetness to his voice as he could muster without throwing up. Hic! 'Damn...'

"Now, dearie! You've neva been one ta talk too much, but this is quiet even for you!" He rolled his eyes.

"Can't you leave me alone for once?" he complained. She feigned hurt.

"Come now, Mista Todd! Can't you just-"

"I said to get out of my- Hic!" Instantaniously, he slapped his hand over his mouth. Mrs. Lovett mimicked the action after a moment or two...to stop the giggles that were threatening to bubble up from her throat. "...shop..."

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the hiccups..." she joked.

"I don't have any hic-hic-cups..." If looks could kill, Mrs. Lovett would have suffered acurt cardiac arrest on the spot from the glare she was receiving from Sweeney. "Just...go..." Hic! 'DAMN!'

"Now, now, dearie...I can 'elp ya if you ask nicely..." she cooed, smiling affectionately.

"Leave!"

"Fine then..." She turned to go, he arms folded stubbornly over her chest. "But then I won't 'elp ya get rid of 'em..."

Well what was our barber to do? On the one hand, he could just wait for them to go away and save what little pride he had left. But then again...hic!...These dang hiccups were incredibly irritating...

He sighed heavily. "Wait..." he mumbled just loud enough for her to hear, defeated. Mrs. Lovett stopped and turned, grinning. It was almost creepy.

"So ya do want me ta 'elp after all, then?"

"Merr..."

"Wot was that?"

"..Yes..."

"Yes, wot?"

"Yes...hic!...please..."

"Alright then!" She placed both hands firmly on his shoulders. "Now...close your eyes..." He eyed her suspiciously. "C'mon, love! Ya want ta get rid of them hiccups, don't ya?" Sweeney gave her a look that seemed to say something like "If you try anything, you'll have your throat slit before you can say 'worst pies in London.'; in fact, you probably won't even have time to say 'worst...'" Never the less, he closed his eyes hesitantly.

Mrs. Lovett moved her hands to his face. Hic! "Now then, just relax..." He did, relaxing the muscels in his shoulders a bit. "Take a deep breath..." He did so, holding it for a moment before letting it out slowly. Hic! If he had opened his eyes at that moment, he would have seen a wicked smirk on his landlady's face. She leaned closer to him, until he could feel her warm breath on his lips, and then closer still. She was just barely separated from him, and then...

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed as loud as she could right into his face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" He went flying backwards, his eyes snapping open in an instant, and he fell onto his back on the hard wood floor by his chair. Mrs. Lovett was almost doubled over with laughter.

After a few moments, Todd recovered from his dazed state and was able to process what had just happened. He sprang to his feet.

"Woman!" he yelled, "What the hell was that for?!"

"Well, it got rid of you hiccups, didn't it?"

He was about to respond, but paused in mid-breath. She was right. No hiccups. "Err..."

"You're welcome." she stated, patting him on the shoulder. She turned and giggled as she exited the shop, leaving the barber quite befuddled for the moment. Her work here was done.